


Balls Deep

by starwhale97



Category: BBC Sherlock, Sherlock - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-16
Updated: 2015-02-16
Packaged: 2018-03-13 04:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3367220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starwhale97/pseuds/starwhale97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock and John do not solve a case/</p>
            </blockquote>





	Balls Deep

**Author's Note:**

> This a hot potato prompt. There are a sad number of these in existence. Take it as legit or take it as crack, its all good.

Sherlock sat brooding on his chair, something was clearly on his mind.

“There’s something on your mind Sherlock,” John said warily.

Sherlock acted as if he had not even heard him. He sprung to his feet instantaneously and shouted “Yes, yes that’s it. That’s what I shall do my dear Watson!”

“What the bloody ‘ell are you going on about, eh?” John grumbled, pissed off about being ignored.

Sherlock marched over to him and quickly spun around in another direction, “I have been trying to contemplate what is the best way to clone myself as children sound unsatisfactory if they turn out like anyone else.” He stared at John for quite awhile a smirk on his face. “The solution is embryonic stem cells.”

John muffled a laugh. Only Sherlock could be this self centered. “Anyways Sherlock detective Lestrade contacted me with the newest case. He calls it- ‘The Case of the Bees?’,”

 

Sherlock cast his eyes downward and was silent for a moment.  He began to hum softly to himself.  John assumed he was going to his mind palace again, and flopped down exasperated on the couch.  He leaned back, but felt something balled up beneath his back.  He reached back and pushed whatever it was between the cushions.  

After a few moments of digging, he retrieved the object, and promptly let it fall to the ground.  

 

“Sherlock!” He exclaimed.  “What are your underpants doing between the cushions!?”

Sherlock glanced over and shrugged.  “They’re edible, you know.”

John stared at him.  “Excuse me?”

“Edible underpants.  Give them a taste.”  Sherlock winked.

“What are you insinuating!?” John could feel his face turning red.

 

“That it’s time to find you a good old hog to snog my dear Watson.”

John had assumed he meant a girl and was joking but Sherlock had actually taken him to a secluded farm where Sherlock pushed him into the pig pen. Sherlock quickly pantsed him locked him in with the hog. Sherlock tossed him a rifle and yelled “It’s time,” with a look of sheer determination. John fumbled to catch the rife. The hog raced towards him squealing and latched on to his testicles. Pure agony enveloped his whole being. He accidentally shot the rifle while doing so.

He could not understand why Sherlock would do this.

 

Just then, Lestrade ran into the room in a panic.  “Help! Help us! Come down into the street!”

John felt a pang of panic.  “Whats going on?”

Lestrade shook his head.  John noticed a tear rolling gently down his cheek.  “Its Anderson….he went to the zoo today….Damn it!”

John put his arm around Lestrade.  “Sherlock and I are a bit in the middle of something right now, but we have time.  Please, calm down and tell us what happened.”

Lestrade nodded.

“Anderson had the day off today.  He went down to the zoo.  There was this one lion, you see.  It was so...mopey? Mopey is the word he used, I believe.  Anyway, he felt bad for the poor beast, and now hes freed it.  He had it in the back of his car on his way here and now its….well, take a look for yourself.”

The trio stepped outside to the blood spattered scene.  Anderson’s car had been torn to pieces, and the depressed lion was laying among the wreckage, sleeping peacefully.  Anderson’s body was bloody and mangled and strewn across the sidewalk.  

 

“Today is not a good day.” John said.

It certainly was not.

 

THE END

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Prompt cards used:  
> -Bees?  
> -Embryonic Stem Cells  
> -Edible Underpants  
> -Shooting a rifle while balls deep in a squealing hog  
> -A mopey zoo lion


End file.
